Coming Out ~ by Rick Mixon, PhD
Facing Fear and the Sound of Silence
Reprinted with permission from:
Voice of the Turtle (Spring 1995, page 2)
The Newsletter of American Baptists Concerned for Sexual Minorities

"...it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence."

The quotation is from a very important essay by African American lesbian poet, Audre Lorde, entitled, "The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action", from her collection Sister Outsider (Crossing Press, 1984.) With apologies to those of you who are familiar with her work and to Lorde herself, I am taking this opportunity to take apart her essay in order to share significant sections of it with you.

While I understand that coming out is a risky process and firmly believe that each person must come out in their own time and way, in times like these, I also believe that theses are prophetic words containing gospel truth; life-saving words which we need to hear. There is much to be said for the AIDS activist slogan that "Silence Equals Death."

In response to her experience with cancer, Lorde recognized that "I was going to die, if not sooner then later, whether or not I had ever spoken myself." What I think she is talking about here is the importance of speaking oneself into being, of giving shape and meaning and fulfillment to one's life. She goes on to say that "[i]n becoming forcibly and essentially aware of my mortality, and of what I wished and wanted for my life, however short it might be, ...what I most regretted were my silences."

In exploring her regret of her silences, she came to see how her silences were founded on her fears and began to question those fears and the power she had given them over her life. Though she understood the price which suffering demands of one, she also came to realize that death not only brings an end to fear and suffering but also to living. "Of what had I ever been afraid? To question or to speak as I believed could have meant pain, or death. But we all hurt in so many different ways, all the time, and pain will either change or end. Death, on the other hand, is the final silence. And that might be coming quickly, now, without regard for whether I had ever spoken what needed to be said, or had only betrayed myself into small silences, while I planned someday to speak, or waited for someone else's words. And I began to recognize a source of power within myself that comes from the knowledge that while it is most desirable not to be afraid, learning to put fear into a perspective gave me great strength."

Lorde's words offer profound insight for people of all sorts who are facing fear and struggling with oppression, whether overt or covert. Too often, caught up in the victim's role, we keep silent, and we pay an awful price. We believe that if we keep very still, hiding in our closets, our oppressors will not see us or know us, our fears may somehow dissipate, and we will be spared any suffering. The seeming safety of our silences and comfort of our closets offer a false sense of protection, for no matter how carefully we hide, we will pay a price. And, eventually, we will die. What a shame to die never having spoken oneself into being! What a tragedy to give our oppressors the last word! What a loss to the possibilities of communion and community that some people will never be known in the richness of their whole being!

There is power and there is liberation in speaking oneself into being, as there is also fear and pain and suffering. Each of us is God's child, created uniquely, in God's own image. If we live our lives in fear, hiding our lights under baskets and cringing in closets, we do disservice to our Creator, our communities and the created order, as well as to ourselves. Lorde argues that "my silences had not protected me. Your silences will not protect you." Our silences cut us off from the very supportive relationships and communities which offer healing, life, and strength. "If I had only known, I could have..." is too often uttered in the face of tragic loss when it is too late to help. Understanding that we will all die sooner or later can liberate us from our silences and from our oppression.