One of my favorite fairy tales starts with an orphaned boy wandering alone in the forest at night. Far off through the trees he sees a glimmer of light. Following it, he finds a huge bonfire in a clearing and a giant man asleep by the fire. He lays down against the giant man's legs and falls asleep. In the morning, the man asks, "Who are you, and where do you come from?" The boy answers, "I am your son, born in the night." The giant man accepts this, and they begin to live together as father and son.

Over time the boy observes that the man does not laugh or smile and has no desires or joy in life. He asks about it, and eventually learns that the man was attacked by some evil elves who stole his soul, and that is why he is unable to feel any joy or move from this spot.

The story tells how the boy fights a musical duel with the elves and eventually outwits them. He wins back his father's soul, which the elves have imprisoned in a bottle, and brings it home to him. The father and son celebrate the recovery of the father's soul by dancing for joy all night, and at the breaking of dawn the father asks "How can I ever repay you?" And the boy answers, "By letting me remain your son for ever."

I tell you this story because I think it illustrates the situation with men today. No matter what our outward accomplishments, in many ways we feel like orphaned boys, wandering alone in the woods at night. 'Orphaned' means that we do not feel nourished and supported by our ancestors. 'Alone' means cut off from our families and community and other men. 'Wandering in the woods at night' means that we are trying to find our way through life without a map or a path, without a sense of where we are or where we are going. And 'boy' means without initiation into manhood and connection to something larger than ourselves.

The story also tells us the source of the problem: our fathers have lost their souls, their ability to feel the joy and desire that moves them towards what they love. We're even told one place to look for our father's soul: in a bottle. (As the son of an alcoholic father, I almost fell off my chair when I read that one.)

And finally the story tells us what we must do: we must find and bring back the male soul so we can reconnect with our fathers and become complete men ourselves.

It would be easy to dismiss this as 'just a story' if the same pattern of male isolation were not showing up in national studies. One study found that while 87% of women have a female best friend, only 7% of men have a male best friend. Another study found that 2/3 of men have no best friend at all, and that of the 1/3 that do, most of those best friends are women. Both studies defined a 'best friend' as some one you can talk to about personal problems. Other studies revealed that only about 1% of men had a close relationship with their fathers.

As someone who has led men's groups for over 10 years, I would say that this sense of isolation is the biggest problem men face today. And underneath the disconnection from others -- and causing it -- is an inner disconnection, a disconnection from our own inner experience, from our own souls.

CAUSES

How did this situation arise? There are many interlocking causes, but we can explore a few.

Before the Industrial Revolution, most work was done in or near the home and it was done by everyone -- men, women, and children. Various tasks were the province of one or the other gender, but since all work was done by hand and no one was paid, it was all seen as about equally valuable. Children worked alongside adults and had time to absorb not only how to do the job, but how to be an adult man or woman in their community.

The Industrial Revolution changed all that. Much of the work of men was moved out of the home and into factories. This separated men from their families for most of the day, and changed the basic divisions of labor in the home. Whereas child-rearing had previously been shared by all the adults in the home, it now became the domain of women. Women ruled the home and child-rearing, and men ruled the outside world.

It also turned labor into a commodity, in that its value was now determined by the amount paid for it. Since men's work in the factory earned a wage, it came to be seen as more valuable than women's work in the home, which didn't. Men's status went up; women's and children's status went down. Women and children became even more closely connected emotionally, while men became more emotionally isolated. And it derailed the process by which boys develop their feeling life and mature into men.

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