According to addictions expert Charles L. Whitfield, "Codependence is not only the most common addiction people develop, it is the base out of which all our addictions and compulsions emerge. Underneath nearly every addiction and compulsion lies codependence." Codependence, therefore, is the disease of lost selfhood. Whitfield defines it as "any suffering and/or dysfunction that is associated with or results from focusing on the needs and behaviors of others."

Codependence is addiction to looking elsewhere. Today, we see many men looking outside themselves to find their lost sense of power and presence. Robert Bly describes the situation this way. "Something's wrong. Many of these men are unhappy. There's not much energy in them. They are life-preserving but not exactly life-giving. And why is it you often see these men with strong women who positively radiate energy? Here we have a finely-tuned young man, ecologically superior to his father, sympathetic to the whole harmony of the universe, yet he himself has no energy to offer."

It isn't just the "gentle man" who is codependent. The macho man is also out of touch with himself, driving towards goals that he feels will give him material and sexual success. Yet he often suffers as personal relationships continuously fall apart. As Robert Bly observed of these types, "John Wayne is Woody Alien turned inside out."

Men Who Lust Too Much

A great deal of emphasis has been placed on codependent women. We are just now beginning to understand male codependency and the importance it plays in understanding sexual and romantic addictions. We are now learning that for every woman who loves too much, there is a man who lusts too much. And for every woman who finds herself hooked on an endless search for romantic intrigue, there is a man who becomes so dependent on a woman he sacrifices everything to keep her close.

Traditionally, women are conditioned to have a primary need for connection. Their deepest fear is of abandonment or loss. In the sexual arena, they are taught to withhold sex and "trade it" for a secure home. In the process they learn to deny their enjoyment of sex and become "mini-masochists," as Dr. Warren Farrell describes them.

Men, on the other hand, are conditioned to need space. Their deepest fear is being smothered or bound. Men are taught to withhold their commitment and trade it for the sexual favors that women withhold. In the process, they learn to overemphasize sex, to become "hypersexual." As Dr. Farrell so aptly points out, men are conditioned to become "mini-rapists." They become preoccupied with the sex that women withhold, believing that they can only receive sex if they force a woman to give it to them. The force may be subtle or oven, but it is a part of male conditioning.

Abused Boys to Violent Men

Let's look in more depth at the anger and rage men feel towards women since it is so much a part of the addictive process whether we are dealing with rape, molestation, or pornography. Many assume that it is "just the way men are." They are naturally violent Many women seem to have this view. They see men as brutal and aggressive. In battles of power they feel they had better get him before he gets them.

Several years ago, I worked at a shelter for battered women. It was heartbreaking to see women with small children come into the shelter who had been beaten by their husbands or lovers. My job was to work with the men. At first it was difficult to feel much sympathy, much less feel caring towards the men. They didn't talk much, though they seemed to carry a great deal of pain. I remember my shock when one of the men finally opened himself up and told about his own childhood.

“My Dad was a policeman and I loved him with blind devotion," said Robert, a big man with callused hands from working construction. He had been referred to me after having been arrested for beating his wife and whipping his 3-year-old son with a belt on numerous occasions. We had been meeting for many months, but Robert had never been willing to talk about his past, except to say it was "OK."

Go To Healing Male Codependency Part Two

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