After several years of working as a therapist, I have noticed noticed some significant differences between women and men in why they choose to be in therapy or participate in a support group. One major difference is that women generally enter into therapy for the first time at an earlier age than men. It is not unusual for a woman in her twenties to have been in therapy at least for a brief period of time, whereas most men tend to be in their thirties or forties before seeing a therapist for the first time. With respect to couples counseling, women generally initiate the idea of seeing a counselor and make the first contact with the therapist. Moreover, her male partner is frequently reluctant or unwilling to participate in couples therapy. Finally, ! more women than men enter into individual therapy, and there are far more women who join support groups than men.

Traditional models of masculinity

What accounts for these differences? Do women have more emotional and psychological problems than men? Are men better adjusted and less likely to need the help of a therapist? While many men would like to think so, I doubt this is true. I believe the answer can be traced back to men’s genetic dispositions and to the roles and coping styles that men learn during childhood. From very early childhood, boys are conditioned to be strong, brave, independent, even fearless. Such traits are considered virtuous.

Boys grow up learning to identify with ideal images of men in the form of the masculine hero. The hero is strong and alone. In times of trouble, he can conquer all odds and rescue and save others from devastation. Clearly, living up to this image prevents a man from being real and authentic. He expends his time and energy trying to live up to an idealized self-image that requires him to sacrifice his own inner needs. In his efforts to save and rescue others, he forgets who he really is.

Any display of pain can quickly be interpreted as a sign of weakness. "Big boys don’t cry." A boy risks being shamed as a "sissy" by his male playmates if he shows he is afraid or in pain. To compound matters, most of us had fathers who were emotionally distant, incapable of showing affection or tender feelings toward us. Our model of how to be masculine was to be like Dad: suppress softer feelings, deny emotional needs and be invulnerable.

What is the price that men pay for such conditioning? Not surprisingly, most of us lose touch with our deeper feelings and needs. Having learned to deny much of our inner life, we look for fulfillment outside ourselves. We put our energy into developing a career, making a living, engaging in sports or other leisure activities. We also seek to find the right woman to marry and have a family with. Hopefully, she will be able to provide for our sexual and emotional needs and otherwise make us happy.

Competition and homophobia

Boys are predisposed to competition and learn to be highly competitive with each other. Losing in a sporting activity or game can easily result in being ridiculed or shamed. While competition may have the positive effect of bringing out the best in us, it also leads to hiding our vulnerability, thereby creating mistrust and emotional distance. A common myth is that men bond with their drinking buddies or with male friends while they engage in sporting activities. However, most of these relationships do not result in deep emotional attachment, and can be almost superficial or businesslike in nature.

Not only does our competitiveness prevent us from being close, but there is the additional factor of homophobia. Men generally are afraid that being physically close or emotionally vulnerable with another man will be construed as a message that they are gay. We do all we can to convince our male friends that we are strong and in control. There is shame in revealing vulnerability or in asking for emotional help from another man. In addition, there is the added fear that expressing deeper feelings and needs to another man will be interpreted as homosexual. Thus, to maintain our manhood, we withdraw emotionally, deny our emotional needs, and attempt to appear to be invincible.

Go to Real Men Do Therapy Part Two

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