Given our past conditioning, how do we men get our emotional needs met? Since we have not learned to satisfy such needs in relationships with other men, we turn to relationships with women. It is not unusual for men to rely exclusively on a primary relationship with a woman for this need, thereby placing an added strain on the couple’s relationship. Furthermore, men have a tendency to place a greater value on the sexual aspect of the relationship without realizing how important the emotional connection is to the woman in this dynamic. These differences in emotional styles and communication skills quite naturally result in conflict. In our relationships with other men, we tend to equate being close emotionally or physically with being sexual. Thus, men tend to sexualize their emotional con! nection with both men and women.

Crisis is opportunity for change

What finally causes a man to decide to enter into therapy or join a men’s group? In my experience it takes a crisis of some kind, usually a failed relationship or a series of failed relationships, career burnout, or some other traumatic event which leads to depression, anxiety, isolation or loneliness. For many men this happens in mid-life, when a man approaches the age of forty. It is a time when a man looks at his life and asks, " Is this all there is?" Until then, he has been able to hang on to the hope that he will find his dream somewhere out there in this big, wide, wonderful world. At mid-life, something mysterious causes him to look back and realize that life is half over and "it" still hasn’t happened. His dream has not yet been realized. Having spent half his life! trying to find fulfillment outside himself, he awakens to discover that it has not worked. For the first time in his life, a man may turn inward for answers. He may begin to realize that his unhappiness is not caused by his failure to find the right woman or the right career, but by who he is and the way he is living his life. Rather than blame others, he may ask, "How have I caused this to happen? Perhaps I need to change and develop greater self-awareness before I can have a healthy relationship or a satisfying career."

This is a very difficult and courageous step for a man to take. Having successfully mastered his life on the outside, he is now forced to acknowledge that he needs help to explore difficulties encountered in his inner life. As difficult as his crisis may be, it also presents an enormous opportunity for him to go to a therapist. A good therapist can provide guidance, support and a safe and trusting relationship to help a man heal from his past wounds. The therapeutic process provides a safe environment where a man can explore and open to deeper hidden aspects of himself. In discovering the full range of his emotional and spiritual nature, he is able to learn to express his own authentic masculinity. Ultimately, a man is unable to save others if he cannot first save himself. In order to be fully human, a man must realize his deeper needs and limitations. He can learn to acknowledge his weaknesses as well as his strengths. As men we have tremendous emotional capacity, which is largely sacrificed in our quest to live up to the hero image. In truth, the strong, lonesome hero who denies his own inner needs is not fully authentic. Authentic masculinity is not only being strong and brave, it includes being warm, caring and loving. Men are more real when they are able to give as well as receive, to feel pain and experience fear, as well as act with courage and strength.

Joining a men’s group

While individual therapy is important, it alone may not be sufficient to help a man realize his true nature. Interpersonal interaction with other men is also a vital step in this process. In the company of like-minded men, perhaps in a men’s group, men are provided with a unique opportunity to break their isolation from other men. They are able to confront their fears, open their hearts, and express deeper feelings in the presence of other caring men. In the intimacy created by allowing ourselves to connect and be vulnerable in this way, we learn to nurture each other and experience all of our authentic masculinity. At last, a man has opened the doorway to his soul. He has come home to a safe place where he can discover his true nature. He is relieved that he need not expend so much energ! y hiding his disowned parts trying to look good on the outside, while feeling empty and alone inside. He finds that there is strength in his vulnerability. In learning to be fully real and authentic, he discovers his wholeness. Finally, he is liberated from old male stereotypes. He is free to be himself.

Jerry Magaro, J.D., M.A., is a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor in private practice in San Francisco and Marin County. After nearly 20 years as a practicing attorney, Jerry underwent a life transition to become a therapist. He focuses primarily on men’s issues, and has been leading men’s groups and workshops for over eight years. He also works with individuals and couples, and leads relationship groups for men and women.