Emmet Fox in his thought provoking books on spirituality talks about the Law of Cause and Effect. He describes this Universal Law in such a way that it’s like a 2 x 4 between the eyes for those of us who have lived in denial most of our lives. He explains that every time we ‘do’ something, there is a ‘cause’ that is created, which sets into motion a series of events that result in an ‘effect’ or ‘consequences.’ It is an unbiased law, simply indifferent to who we are, how much money we have, where we live, how old we are, what color we are, or who we know…it applies equally to everyone.

I think this law was the inspiration for our A.A. pamphlet “Who Me?” Denial of our disease and the consequences of our behavior, led us down a dark road. It was not until the Law of Cause and Effect finally caught up with us that we “surrendered.” Now the ways that this law caught up with us, are different for each of us as we each progressed through our disease, but the outcome was always the same. At some point, we were stopped in our tracks and made to face the harsh consequences of our actions.

Once we get into the program and begin our daily reprieve from alcoholism, our denial, this magical, mystical screwed up thinking, starts to filter into other areas of our lives. We have faced our alcoholism head on, ‘fessed’ up to our behavior and make amends for our ‘consequences.’ We think we are off the hook. Slowly we begin to act-out in other ways. Maybe we over-spend, resulting in tremendous credit card debt. Maybe we eat too much, and gain a lot of weight. Maybe we have an affair, putting our marriage I jeopardy. Denial says, “there will be no consequences. You are sober, you are staying away from the first drink and going to meetings, have some fun.” BUT, there is this dirty little secret in our lives, the same way there was this dirty little secret before we stopped drinking and this dirty little secret will kill us!

Our ego, reeling from the humiliation of ‘surrender,’ looks for something to keep it alive. We are off to the races again. Something tells us that maybe we ‘shouldn’t,’ but denial says ‘go for it.’ A huge red flag keeps blocking our path to self destruction, but we will not be deterred. Angrily we veer around that huge red flag. Soon, we are in so much chaos, so much hot water and so much of a jam, that drinking looks like a luxury we can afford after all.

We break out in a cold sweat, most of the time. Our heart races, most of the time. Our adrenal is pumping like a champion weight lifter. In this panic, we feel the ‘rush’ of exhilarated living on the edge. We have to admit, that as terrified as we are, we are ‘hooked’ on the suspense that living on the edge brings. We feel alive. In a strange way we feel connected to the world. What does that ‘rush’ remind us of? Survival? Are we hooked on the rush or are hooked on the affair, the food, the debt…? Why are we hooked on destroying our lives, again.

I became acutely aware of denial when I was in a series of dysfunctional relationships. What I realized very slowly, over a period of eight years, was that my behavior was becoming outrageous. I was living a lie. I was saying how grateful I was to be sober and yet I was destroying my sanity. “It’s getting really bad,” I would scream to my friends as I gave them a long laundry list of his bad behavior. When they would ask me questions like, “why are you with this guy?” I could feel the hackles go up on the back of my neck, ready to defend my position. This went on for years. They were asking me to examine my denial about this terrible situation I was in. They were gently telling me to walk away. But I couldn’t do it. I could not let go. That is addiction.

I would deny that things were really that bad. I would tell myself that I always had the option of leaving if things really got bad. But I was sure that things would work out. He would change.

Even the Law of Cause and Effect slamming me around like a rag doll, I was still not getting the message. I was still in denial, I kept embracing that “15 seconds of love,’ that was always immediately followed by that round trip to hell and back. In fact I had accumulated so many frequently flyer miles from my round trips to hell and back, that I qualified for a trip to Insanity.

There were moments that suicide looked like heaven. All this time, I was sober. I was going to meetings. I was reading the big book and I was leading. But I was in hell. It was my dirty little secret.

I had been told I was wrong and not good enough, most of my life. By God, I was not going to be wrong again, even if it killed me! DENIAL had taken over my life. The emotional pain mounted as I continued in denial.

Go To The Queen of Denial Part Two

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