I finally exploded one night resulting in an ugly scene at a fine restaurant. We were having an intimate dinner talking about our future together, when he turned to me and said, “to tell you the truth, I don’t know if you’re good enough for me.” I felt the blood drain from my face. My jaw dropped in disbelief. What! I couldn’t believe what he was saying. My heart was pounding. Adrenaline shot through the top of my head. In a fit of rage, I called him every name in the book, threw the jewelry he had given me, in his fact, and stomped out. (Great Exit Scene.)

That night, I even scared myself. His words cut to my very core and sparked so much rage that I could have twisted his head off and left him gasping for air. All the bells and whistles went off in my head. It was a Major Alert, and the in-coming were coming in so fast and furiously that I quickly lost ground. I was rapidly coming unglued. Rage had become a way of life for me – again! Again…That was the key. They say that ‘anger’ will save your life. And that night it did. I was so angry that I finally had to take a look at myself, and my situation, or I was going to jump off a bridge.

The definition of insanity is, “doing the same things over and over, expecting different results.” My definition of Denial is, “not even knowing you are doing the same things over and over again.”

My rage made me realize two things; that I was getting very good at “rage”, and that I had been doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

I had no clue what a ‘normal’ relationship was supposed to feel like, or look like. My family of origin relationships had been built on betrayal and rage. No wonder I headed for the first dysfunctional man I met, every time. I was beginning to unlock the mystery of The Queen of Denial. I had become just as much of a monster as my partner was.

We reflected each other’s rage in the mirror of dysfunction. And it was started when he refused to change the person he had always been, and I refused to change the person I had really always been. We were both in denial. The only difference was that I was beginning to see it. And once I saw it, I had to save my life, or die.

Even today, I catch myself engaging in denial about situations in my life. They are on a much smaller scale, but they are still denial. It’s a constant reminder to me that I am capable of staring ‘reality’ squarely in the face and not seeing it! It’s hard to admit that denial is still a part of me, but it is. But I have been given the tools of the program to help me through denial. The most important tool is thinking. I can think my way through a situation today. The voice of reason asked the tough questions like; what am I really afraid of? Where does this pain really come from? What am I willing to do, to do things differently this time?

Someone once said, “there are people who challenge themselves by climbing Mt. Everest. But the truly courageous people to the work of Recovery.” Every time I trek up that mountain of denial and plant my red flag at the summit, I know there is hope, even for me, The Queen of Denial.

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