I just turned 48 and I can tell you I’m happy to be this age. I’ve gone through lots of trials and tribulations, joys and ecstasies.

A lot of the highs and lows in my life have to do with trying to create that perfect relationship with my sacred Beloved. I’d like to share some of the things I’ve learned along the way.

You could call my life style serial monogamy.” Well, mostly anyway. That’s the philosophy that fits me best. I first started my search in earnest when I was 18. I escaped from home to spread my wings in college and I fell in love for the first time. A year of happy bliss was more than I ever knew was possible. But then the conflicts arose and we were too young and inexperienced to use them to grow. I ended the relationship with much guilt and agony.

I just didn’t know how to maintain my sense of self and have enough time for my activities and meet Phil’s needs, even though I loved him very much.

This was my introduction to learning that love brings conflict and pain.

I thought to myself, “This must not be the real thing because love isn’t supposed to be like this.” I earned degrees in psychology, and studied metaphysics and how to be the conscious creator of my life.

After several more relationships, I still was not creating the kind of relationship I wanted. With much longing, I wrote the following prayer in 1994.

" To the Angel of sacred Beloved Relationships”

Please bring me my true and sacred beloved. Bring me endless joy and fulfillment, passion and playfulness, and understanding abounding. Let me be loved and cherished like never before. Let me love lavishly, powerfully, grounded, clear, flexible, and firm.

May the blessings abound so freely from our relationship that we continually open to receive even more than we imagined possible. May we be a light and a blessing to all we touch. May we be an instrument of peace and pure love planted in this planet. May we love thus life and this planet to the fullest and sip every delicious drop of nectar.

May we fly like the freest of seagulls and eagles, and share our delight all over the world. Bells ring peals of joy and laughter at our union.

Bring me together with my divine lover. Carry us in your wings when we are timid or scared. Let us ride your wind currents into pure strength unto our complete unfoldment in these human bodies.

Help me be clear. Help me be fully alive. Help me be real. Help me be well grounded and connected. Help me feel the on-going joy of LIFE. Help my energy flow and flow and flow … easily.

I am the divine expression of woman on this planet. He is the divine expression of man on this planet. We are the divine expression of the sacred union between a man and woman on this planet. I graciously receive your support and assistance. Thank you for your on-going love, wisdom and direction. I open and receive my beloved now. As so it is.

With much love, Benita

After this prayer there were two more relationships. The first was the most devastating relationship I’ve ever had and the second was the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had. I ended the second because I was in too much stress from going through a “dark night of the soul” to be able to give to a relationship. I just didn’t have any energy left over.

While in the “dark night of the soul” I was shown the depths of my insecurities and fears. My goal was to stay conscious through it all and to manage my energy so that I could go on seeing clients and maintain my basic health. Every day I would feel the anguish of not loving myself fully. Every day I cried as I realized how I had given myself away time and time just to try to be in a relationship with a man. I realize how I had bought into the fantasy that pervades our society: that a man, just the right man, will make a woman happy. I realized from the inside out how wrong that is.