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Joel Rachelson, Ph.D.
Founder, Conscious Singles
Unfortunately, being single today is not easy. Understatement,
I guess in light of the many single ads, books, services
and yes even websites which attempt to address this life
status.*
Why is this?
There are two fundamental problems here. First, for a number
of reasons, it is difficult to be at peace internally with
being single. It is a basic human need to be connected and
partnered. Because being partnered is a basic need there
is pain when we are alone. Not always felt but always lurking.
Further, to not be in a primary relationship is semi-stigmatized
and felt on some level as a failure.
Second, it is difficult to meet other singles, in most any
environment much less a healthy environment or process.
And this search for other singles is made much more difficult
when trying to find others who are conscious and like minded
as well.
“Conscious?” You say, “What does that mean exactly?” In
dictionary terms it means “perceiving or noticing with a
degree of controlled thought.” In regular words, it means
to have the capacity for a divided awareness or self observation.
This means that one can step back in their awareness of
themselves: in their awareness of themselves with others;
in their awareness of themselves in relationships; in their
awareness of themselves to tasks, objects, the world, etc.
Being co-conscious means that one has the capacity to observe
internal processes and external behaviors and then make
adjustments. I call this the capacity to become self fluent
and self competent.
Certainly, being conscious is one of the hallmarks of our
humanness and is in fact becoming a growth industry, both
in the amount of it (thank the creator!) and in the kinds
of things that are by-products of it. Also, being co-conscious
means being aware of the different levels of consciousness.
And once this awareness of different levels happens, there
is usually a desire to cultivate the higher and deeper,
more spiritual levels. This awareness of the essence that
underlies the form of reality or existence, as someone on
the Discussion Boards wrote, is a very healthy positive
pursuit.
Those that are conscious and who are cultivating deeper,
more spiritual levels of consciousness are wonderful, kind,
loving and committed. For someone who is conscious it is
actually something akin to a compulsion to be present, to
pursue higher and more spacious states inside of us or outside.
This yields more joy in the experience of life and the capacity
to view from a broader, more awe-based perspective. This
is what makes grace possible. Also, those who are conscious
seem to share interests in healthy, holistic living, personal
growth, spirituality, metaphysics, recovery, social issues
and the environment. (They are indeed members of this website.)
The ironic thing here is that this higher level reality
that is cultivated and experienced is the level of consciousness
that connects us, yet there is a still a difficulty in connecting
to someone from our singular existence. Even though this
singular or separated existence maybe an illusion, it real
enough or even more pointed when going to bed at night alone
as a single person.
Hence, the purpose of the articles of this website is to
illuminate, validate and assist those that are conscious
and single.
Being conscious and single means that one can be aware and
fluent and become more skillful with this ironic thing--that
being single for those who are aware that we are all connected
is difficult and sometimes painful. The suggestion here
is that the thing to do with the awareness of the pain of
being nonpartnered is to make friends and work with it.
The purpose of becoming friends and working with our desire/longing
to be connected and the accompanying discomfort is to find
and maintain the right stance or right Zen in regards to
being single.
Again, the challenge of being single is how to find the
right stance, the right Zen, toward this lack that causes
the ache. We can then better tolerate this unmet longing
and discomfort and not feel compelled to unhealthily fill
the hole or numb it out of our experience. This article
and most all the articles on the site are about how to find
the right singles Zen.
After befriending and acceptance this unwanted state, finding
the right stance requires working on it. Masterful and comprehensive
self work has both inner and outer aspects. What I would
like to do here is use the categories that I am experimenting
with in sorting the article section of this website as way
to catalog the inner work aspects for finding good singles
Zen.
The Internal Approaches
So, following the framework of the Conscious Articles section
one can use an Eastern approach, a Western, a New Thought,
or a psychological approach to doing inner work. The Eastern
approach uses meditation/mindfulness to observe and detach.
This approach is embodied in the message: pain is inevitable,
suffering is optional.
The Western approach suggests surrender to a higher power
and uses prayer and a trust in God. Their approach is embodied
in the message: let go and let god. The New Thought approach
suggests one pivot away from the bad feelings and thoughts
and focus on the feeling of having what is wanted. Their
approach is embodied in the message: what you focus on you
attract.**
The idea is to use these approaches to work with negative
feelings to feel better and or to feel better when having
negative feelings. This is the point of working through
your stuff.
The psychological approach involves working through family
of origin/historical wounds and issues that cause or contribute
the negative beliefs and feelings we have about being single.
Sometimes this working through means going into the pain
of a wound and expressing it and sometimes this means finding
or creating an antidote for the wound. Sometimes working
through means looking at and redoing the underlying historical
issues/programming.. Usually it means working with someone
therapeutically because our personal history may interfere
with our capacity for awareness or capacity to healthily
respond to our feelings and needs.
In regards to being single, our imbedded programming can
be affecting how we feel about being a single person, how
we search, who we search for, what our expectations are,
and even how successful we are. What negative feelings do
you have about being single right now and what feelings
do you have about meeting your beloved? If the negative
feeling is something other than mad, sad, scared, happy
and it is has a repetitively nonpositive outcome feel, then
it is related to a negative piece of programming. And the
specifics of the programming language is in the self talk
associated with these feelings. The goal here is to recognize
this as negative script, loacalize it and therapize it.
We can do some of this together on the boards and help each
other.****
The goal of therapy, with oneself or with a professional,
is to learn how to be your own therapist and internal parent/grownup.
The aim of the psychological approach here is to learn how
to self sooth or self parent in regards to bad feelings
and unmet needs. To become, using psychological based methods,
self fluent and more self competent.
In terms of being a conscious single, it is imperative that
we have a healthy relationship with ourselves before we
can have healthy interpersonal relationships.
If someone is too needy for a relationship in order for
them to feel Ok about themselves or to get their basic needs
met then they can subtlety and not so subtlety push or scare
people away. This neediness issue is one of the reasons
why people do the "urge to merge need to flee"
dance. So it is important to learn how to get to an Ok place
about being single. (This is made a little harder because
of all the cultural pressures and stigmas.) It is important
to learn how to meet most of your own basic needs so that
relationships are the icing not the cake.***
The External Approach.
The outer or external aspects of working with this unwanted
state is to do something. In terms of doing something, the
right Zen is not to be too attached and clutching or too
detached. Being too attached usually and anxious is about
being too needy and intolerant of this negative feeling
as described in the previous paragraph. Being too detached
and inactive is also a problem and could be from either
a defense against being hurt and disappointed or a hopeless/cynical
resignation. The goal of good Zen is not to be too forward
or too rearward psychically or literally.
The external focus is the development of successful behavior
strategies for meeting others and how to healthily go about
dating. This can range from how you put yourself in a position
to meet others, to evaluating your expectations, or to maintaining
the basket theory of dating (as in don’t put your eggs in
just one). Having playfriends that may or may not become
more is an important way to keep the Zen in this search.
And Conscious Singles just happens to give lots of opportunities
to do something. Whether it is editing your profile, doing
a search, adding to the discussions, praying with for yourself
with us, getting and giving affirmations…..and oh yeah,
upgrading your membership and sending someone a message.
You can do it here.
Finding someone is not easy but you don’t have to feel bad
about it and you don’t have to be out of your Zen in what
you do. In some ways it needs to be approached as the attempt
to reach a very important goal. Perhaps the most important
goal in your life's enrichment. So approach it as a mission,
possibly a long-term venture. Patience, proactivity and
persistence pays.
*In a law of attraction sense, maintaining that something
being hard is not good. However that being single is difficult
is reality from my personal and professional perspective.
The goal in a law of attraction sense is how to hold this
reality. Abraham-Hicks has many suggestions about the law
of attraction, one of the simplest being not to focus on
what is but on what one wants and to feel the feeling of
it happening. And this is indeed what the purpose of this
article is about.
**For a much more fleshed out description of these approaches,
please see the Conscious Article section. AND, I would be
really please if someone want to add to the section in terms
of how these approaches specifically address being single.
***I was less brief on the psychological approach because
it is my cup of tea, so to speak.
*****Help is usually required for recognition of the negative
scripting because many times this stuff is out of our awareness
and even not so verbal. Ask me about Psychic Astronomy
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